Freeway Gods - Satan in Disguise?

The Freeway Gods were out to get me again today.  I don’t know why they hate me, but they do.  Today, it was their mission to get me to slow down. 

1. I could barely get out of my office parking lot because the cars were lined up so far back.

2.  When I did finally manage to break free of the corporate parking pen, I had to slam on my brakes for a pedestrian crossing at the light.

3.  They let me drive down the road toward the freeway but apparently I was going too fast so they arranged for an 18 wheeler to pull out of a side street up ahead of me and proceed to drive 25 mph to the freeway ramp. 

4.  Yes, of course the 18 wheeler got on the freeway ramp right in front of me.  You didn’t think the Gods were going to stop with #3, did you?

5.  So, onto the freeway we merged at- yawn -35 mph.   I watched with envy at all the cars in the left lane hurtling by us at 70+ mph, laughing and laughing.  I think one of them even pointed at me.

  6.  I was allowed to finally go around the truck, gaining admittance to the secret club (the left lane), only to meet construction downtown.  Although one sign said “Both Lanes Open”, everyone felt the need to slam on their brakes at the sign that said, “Right Lane Closed” - despite the fact that there were no cones or barrels in or blocking  the right lane, it was obvious that people the people brave enough to chance it were still rather suspicous.  They were in the questionable right lane but kept leaning toward the left lane (aka ME). 

7.  I made it to the US-131 ramp safely, since I was only going 40 mph.  Merged onto 131 without incident, which surprised me.  I thought the Gods might have stepped out for a smoke and perhaps forgotten their task of punishing yours truly.  

So naive of me, which brings us to number…

8. Rocketing down 131 south at the ol’ double nickel (that’s 55 mph for those of you born after 1978), I was stuck behind a pick-up truck which was stuck behind a semi truck which was closely following a car carrier truck. 

 Naturally I thought of changing lanes, but the van in the right lane was pacing the pick-up and as an added bonus to my sanity – had left his right blinker on for three miles and I had a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t going to be turned off anytime soon. 

I also could have changed lanes to the left, but they were only going 2.5 mph faster than my lane. 

9.  My mind wandered to sandy beaches, sunny days and anti-anxiety medications.   And then

FINALLY – AN OPENING!

10.  I raced into the left lane!  I barreled around the semis and Mr. Blinker!  I shot back over to the right lane and into the 44^th St. Exit!  Whoo Hoo!  Freedom!  Yes sir, we’re moving now!

Did you hear it?  Someone is laughing.  Who is laughing?  Crap.  The Gods. 

11.  I got stopped at the light at the top of the ramp.

12.  I got stopped at the light at the very next street.

13.  Light turns green.  The truck in front of me peeled off at A (as in one, single, solo, uno) mile an hour.    He picked it up to 20 mph and then decided to live dangerously… top speed of 38mph.    I had to check and see if I had gotten out of first gear yet.   Yep.  3^rd gear.  Wow. 

 14.  Once again considered changing lanes.  Except the bozo in the other lane decided to race, or is it PACE the bozo in front of me.  They were BOTH going 38 mph.  I felt like a pawn in Parcheesi game stuck behind a blockade.     What a dangerous city I live in.  I hope my insurance rates don’t go up. 

15.  Sandy beaches.  Cool breezes.  Muscle bound men carrying fruity drinks.  Tiki music wafting around like birds in the clear blue sky.   What?  Sorry, drifted off.   Oh, my turn off.   Oh look.  Mr. 38 mph pick-up is getting into the left lane right in front of me.   Yeah.   The gods aren’t crazy, they are laughing their (*$#*^ off. 

16.  Light turns green, we go.  And I use that word loosely.   We turned so slow that I almost stalled my truck in 2^nd gear.   Lug, lug, lug.  

17.  Look, Mr. 38 mph pick-up is turning into my subdivision right in front of me.   I wiped the tear off my cheek and pushed on. 

18.  I finally, finally, blessedly made it to my house.  I drove up the driveway faster than half my ride home!  

And here I sit, crying in my beer (wine actually), wondering what those SOB’s are plotting for me tomorrow.